Resources For Discussing Intimacy With Children
Discussing intimacy with children can feel overwhelming. Thankful, there are many resources available to assist us in our efforts.
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A Surprise Confession
One evening as I was making dinner, my teens walked into the kitchen and asked if we could watch another principle-based intimacy video.
These are videos we had been watching together in an effort to help teach them correct principles and answer any questions they might have.
“Really?” I asked, feeling suspicious.
“Yes,” they responded. “We really want to watch another video tonight!”
I felt a sudden sense of accomplishment as a mother as I observed their eagerness to discuss sensitive topics. That is, until they confessed to wanting to watch the video right away to get it over with “as soon as possible”.
Parents have primary responsibility for the sex education of their children. Parents should have honest, clear, and ongoing conversations with their children about healthy, righteous sexuality. These conversations should:
Be appropriate to the age and maturity of the child.
Help children prepare for happiness in marriage and follow the law of chastity.
Address the dangers of pornography, the need to avoid it, and how to respond when they encounter it.
source: see footnote 2
The Honest Truth
The truth of the matter is that my children are sometimes as uncomfortable as you and your children might be when discussing principles of intimacy.
Try to envision three teens, slowly, hesitantly, sitting down next to one another on the couch–-the teen on the left sitting stiffly, bracing themselves for what is to come;
the teen in the middle, clutching a blanket on their lap, fully prepared, in any given moment, to pull the blanket over their head in an effort to hide their reddening cheeks, in the event that the topic of discussion were to take an uncomfortable turn;
and the teen on the right, slouched down, as far as possible, into the corner of the couch, in a clear and desperate attempt to become invisible.
This exact scenario has taken place in our home.
Benefits
Despite the obvious discomfort with the subject at hand, incredible things have happened in our family due to the conversations that have taken place over the years:
1) A place of safety has been created for each member of the family to ask uncomfortable questions and receive appropriate answers
2) Teens have begun to take the principles of intimacy they have learned and apply them to their relationships throughout the week
3) Family relationships have been strengthened as we learn, together, how to live the best life possible.
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Conversation Ideas
What exactly do we discuss during our regular conversations?
- * physical anatomy
* personal agency
* grief and shame
* mercy and justice
* sin and repentance
* personal boundaries
* forgiveness and grace
* personal responsibility
* anxiety and mental health
* hormones and maturation
* the dangers of pornography
* addictions and compulsions
* hope and available resources
* the difference between love and lust
* the beauty of marriage and family, connection and unity
* the peace and confidence that come from having self-control
* Q&A sessions
* I also ask each child on a regular basis if they have seen or heard anything that has made them feel uncomfortable.
When children and youth are confused or have questions about their growing bodies and their developing sexual feelings, parents have the responsibility to teach them about their feelings and behavior in a timely, clear, and age-appropriate way.
Source
Family Routine
If you haven’t already done so, begin today to incorporate into your family routine regular opportunities to discuss sensitive subjects, in age-appropriate ways that will best suit your family.
- Plan weekly group conversations.
- Have casual weekly check-ins and, if needed, one-on-one private discussions.
Consider: If you don’t teach your children about principle-based intimacy, if you don’t give them tools for creating healthy relationships, who will?
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but it does get easier over time. Just last week, as we sat down for another discussion, one of my teens said out loud,
“You know–these conversations aren’t so bad. I’m actually beginning to like them.” 
Parents should teach that sexual feelings are a normal and sacred part of our nature as children of God and that, when used according to God’s commandments, they can be a source of joy and strength to a husband and wife.
source
Resources
In the beginning, when my first child was very young, I relied on this book for guidance. The book has detailed sections for ages 3-8, 8-13, 11-16, and 15-19. It has sample dialogue for you to use with your child, which can be so helpful.
I have also used the following books, with great results:
Conclusion
In conclusion, discussing intimacy with your children is essential for healthy development. Thankfully, there are many resources to guide us in this most important work.
What resources have been helpful to you on this journey?
Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place?
4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
psalms 24:3-4
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Philippians 4:8
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Proverbs 31:10-31
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing issilk and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue isthe law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman thatfeareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
Teen Hobbies Can Promote Healthy Mental Health
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