Love and Intimacy Guide: Choosing Sound Principles -

Love and intimacy matter. Why? Because improving one’s relationships is central to one’s ability to draw close to God.

The world in which we live confuses love and lust, selfishness and intimacy. We are so surrounded by lust and selfishness, we hardly recognize them anymore.

girl's first beau presenting flowers — Her First Beau, Evert Jan Boks, Public Domain

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Lust and Selfishness vs. Love and Intimacy

Selfishness

Expecting someone to be your close friend without making an effort to nurture the relationship is not based on sound principles.

Expecting your child to open up to you and discuss their innermost feelings when you have not made the effort to develop a trusting relationship with them is not based on sound principles.

And expecting your employer to trust you when you are not an honest and reliable employee is not based on sound principles.

Love gives, selfishness takes.

Lust and Love

Love seeks connection; lust seeks personal gratification.

The soul is made of both the body and the spirit. Lust cares only for the body (physical gratification); love seeks for connection with the spirit, which naturally leads to a connection with the body, thus encompassing the soul (both body and spirit).

Looking at pornography is lust-based.

Pornography dries up the human heart.

St. John Paul II

Paying someone or something (including AI) for physical intimacy is lust-based.

Learn more about the dangers of AI. Watch the video “Things as They Really Are 2.0”

Watch now

Watching or reading inappropriate material is lust-based.

Love is soul-satisfying; lust can never, ever be satiated.

Demanding that your spouse be physically intimate is lust-based.

Claiming that “physical intimacy = love” is lust-based.

Claiming that “anything goes” after marriage is lust-based. Certain intimate acts are lust-based and lead to a loss of marital intimacy.

I was once told by a friend that I will never get remarried if I am not willing to have a lust-based relationship. Why? Because, she said, “everyone is doing it, even the men in the church”. It was in that moment that I had a sudden realization: I may never get remarried, for I will not engage in a lust-based relationship. After years of researching this topic, I do feel my friend is right about one thing: lust is a widely accepted behavior, both inside and outside the church.

Let’s change that, beginning today.

Love and Intimacy

Developing healthy intimacy in our relationships will lead to immense personal joy. Most importantly, it will lead to a deeper, more satisfying connection with God and with those around us.

Regardless of your current situation, change is possible if your actions are based on sound principles.

Think of the mighty change that will take place in our world if these sound principles of intimacy are passed down from generation to generation. We can begin right now, with you and with me, with my family, and yours.

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Thoughts on Healthy Sexuality

” Personal relationships [need] genuine commitment and mature love.” ~ Elder M. Russell Ballard

“[Intimacy] is meant to be strong and constant…and a binding force in a family.” Elder Boyd K. Packer

Healthy Sexuality Slides

This is the sex talk your parents should have shared with you (and likely would have had they known better) instead of “the birds and the bees”, which can be found in any biology book.

Basic urges, such as hunger, thirst, sleep, and sex, are not evil and will increase if not satisfied. Negative patterns of behavior always happen when we pair negative emotions with urges.

All sexual feelings are a signal from our body that we need emotional connection. Emotional safety comes through connection with others. **NOTE: One should only connect emotionally with safe people.

Friendship needs to come first. Sex is the exclamation point on “I love and cherish you!” Sex is not the sentence.

When one is feeling sexual and sees a sexual image, IT IS GOING TO AFFECT THEM. Feeling something sexual is not bad; the uncomfortable feeling one may experience (oftentimes shame or embarrassment) is a reminder that something is supposed to go along with the pleasure that is being felt. What’s missing? Intimacy and connection

If you are having sex without intimacy and connection, your sexual urges will never be satisfied.

We are made to connect with others.

Important Questions and Answers

How can we come to expect and respond to sexual feelings?

How can we not live in a place of shame?

The answer is that we need to be more open about talking about our sexual feelings with other (safe) people. (Yes–you heard that right!)

You need a friend you can talk to.

You need to have someone you can call and say the following to: “Hey friend, ROUGH day! My sexual feelings are shooting through the roof!”

When we acknowledge our sexual feelings, we avoid shame.

Sexuality does not belong to Satan, it belongs to God.

“Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

(2 Timothy 2:22)

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with us! Some of us have just been handling our God-given sexuality the wrong way.

The good news? We can fix it. With the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all things can be made new (Alma 34:8–16).

(Credit: Notes on Healthy Sexuality taken from presentation by D. Oakes)

Resources

Following are resources that may prove valuable on your journey to live by sound principles in all your relationships:

Blog Posts

The Intimacy of a Kiss: Emotional Connection

Resources For Discussing Intimacy With Children

Encouraging Addiction-Free Relationships: A Faith-Based Guide

A Principle-Based Life in Action: Specific ideas for living a principle-based life

“The highest form of intimacy is truth”.

Unknown

Books

Romanced to Death by Paul de Parrie : A fascinating, and occasionally disturbing, look into the sexual seduction of American culture. I learned so much from the information shared and wish every adult would read this book!

How To Be Unlucky: Reflections on the Pursuit of Virtue

Love What Lasts: How to Save Your Soul From Mediocrity