Invisible Children: Tips For Communicating With Children
Communicating with children has its challenges. Our family has experienced what I call “Invisible Children”. Some time ago our family had a deeply life-changing experience involving these “invisible children”, an experience that my daughter and I have discussed in great depth. She feels it is an important message to share with others—for the sake of the children. So, with the hope that this might benefit a family or two, we share the following with you:
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Ordinary and Routine
It was an ordinary evening—at least in the beginning it was.
But what was once ordinary and routine would soon turn into a night like no other.
The children were headed to bed and I was planning to enjoy some down time.
It was late, we had had a long day, and I was tired.
Before sending the girls off to bed, they joined me in their sleeping brother’s room to do something we often do in the evenings—stand around his bed and say things like, “He’s so cute“, “I just love him!”, “He is so funny! He always makes me laugh.”
On this particular night, however, we made no such comments, for he was still awake!
In a moment of pure spontaneity, and pushing aside my need for “down time”, I said, “Climb onto his bed, girls! Let’s talk!”
And talk we did! For the next hour the children and I sat on that twin bed and I let them talk about whatever came into their little minds. They talked and laughed and shrieked in delight and talked some more. I laughed right along with them. I laughed…and I listened. And I thought how there was nothing in the world that could replace that moment—not relaxing in the tub for the evening, not reading a book, certainly not surfing the Internet.
Somewhere around 10 pm I announced it was time for bed. There were groans of protest, for the kids wanted that moment to last forever. We agreed to make this “night time chat” a regular occurrence, so the kids went to bed happy—but not before giving me a big hug and saying, “I love you, Mama!
For some reason, that night, their words “I love you” sounded more sincere.
Comfortable Conversation
Next morning, the children made their way into my room.
“We’re hungry!” they announced. “What can we have to eat?”
“Climb onto my bed,” I said. “we’ll eat in a few minutes. Right now, let’s talk some more.”
There was no need to ask twice. In the blink of an eye I had three kids bouncing on my bed in an effort to get comfortable.
Once snuggled under the covers they began to talk. They talked about how much fun last night had been and how they wished we could talk like that every night. Then they talked about a dozen other random things— a steady flow of conversation, interrupted only by happy giggles.
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The Heart of Communicating with Children
An hour later, the conversation changed directions. Not wanting to ruin the moment, but feeling like the time was right, I asked, “Guys! How do you think our family is doing? What do you think we can do to have a better family? How are you feeling? Are you happy?”
{silence}
{kids looking at their toes}
“It’s okay, guys,” I reassured them, “you can tell me anything. We have to know each other’s true feelings if we’re going to make our family better.”
{more silence}
{daughter buried her head under the covers} “It’s just so hard,” she finally whispered. “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
“You won’t,” I assured her, rubbing her back soothingly. “You can tell me anything.”
The other children, still looking at their toes, listened attentively.
Slowly, gradually, one by one, they each opened up.
“I feel unnoticed,” came the first hesitant response.
“Unnoticed?” I wondered, feeling puzzled. “We’re in the same room with each other much of the time, interacting with each other. How could one possibly feel unnoticed?”
My question was left hanging as the responses continued to roll in.
Children’s Responses
“I feel like people interrupt me when I speak.”
“I wish we had better manners around the table.”
“Can we have a better plan for Family Nights?”
“I feel worried a lot.”
“I wish we could talk together every night so we can get all our thoughts out before we go to bed.”
“We should make sure the house is clean before we go to bed each night.”
“I think we should spend more one on one time with each other.”
The tears trickling down three little faces told me they all agreed with the last statement.
“I feel sad, anxious, uncertain.”
“I feel like I have to get mad in order to get attention.”
“We always have Family Council meetings, but we’ve never shared our real feelings before.”
“I feel like people aren’t always interested in what I have to say. That makes me feel bad.”
Nearly three hour had gone by and the kids had lost their appetite for food. Instead, they were relishing in this moment of shared feelings—honest and raw.
The pain I was feeling at this moment was almost more than I could bear. How could I have been so blind to the many conflicting emotions my children had been feeling? Everything had appeared fine on the surface, but I now knew that everything was not okay.
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Creating a Family Plan
We needed a plan, a plan that would involve the Savior.
After much prayer and many tears, a plan was formulated. We would:
- work together to find a solution for each concern
- strive to keep our new goals during the week
- discuss our progress every Sunday
We would do all in our power to turn our wrongs into rights, and put the rest in the hands of the Savior.
“Notice me. Listen to me. Pay attention. Really care about what I have to say.”
The hearts of children throughout the world are silently shouting these words.
I had no idea my children’s hearts were part of that chorus.
Soon, if all goes according to plan, and with the help of the Savior’s Atonement, each person in our family will be singing instead,
“I am noticed. I am heard. I’m appreciated. I’m loved.“
Communication With Children Outside Our Family
The personal and family goals we have set challenge our family each day, yet I am at peace with our family’s current state of affairs and wonder if there is more that I can do—for other children.
My daughter mentioned that her church teacher’s brilliant idea of allowing each person in the class one minute at the beginning of class time to share anything they would like had turned an unruly class into a relatively quiet one.
“We just never have a chance to say what’s on our mind,” my daughter explained. “This gives us a chance to speak and people actually listen to what we have to say!”
I wondered if the same concept would work for the 6-week class I was teaching for a group of 5 to 7-year-olds. Week one had been disasterous. Chaotic. A train wreck. I didn’t want to go back.
An idea came to me to create a new class rule, a rule that I presented to the kids at the beginning of a week two and every week after that:
“The teacher MUST get to know her students.”
Silence. You could have heard a pin drop. I had their attention. This was something that was important to them. They sensed that they would soon be presented with an opportunity to speak, to share a little bit about themselves, to be noticed, to be heard.
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Positive Results
Each week, one by one, the children shared something about themselves. A favorite dessert. A dream pet. A favorite color. I listened intently, and made occasional comments.
The next five weeks flew by with not even a glimmer of disaster, chaos, or a train wreck. In a seemingly miraculous way, I had gained the respect of the children and they, in turn, had given that respect back to me.
Rather than talking “at” them, I had listened, I had noticed, I had cared.
Our “class rule” has now become my “life rule”:
I must make more of an effort to get to know children, wherever they may be, for all children deserve to feel noticed, listened to, appreciated, and loved.
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